Sunday, November 8, 2009

Glad I'm Alive

I'm already 16 and I'm outside working out. I was sweating so bad I had to take of my t-shirt and feel the cold air on my almost 6 packed chest when suddenly I saw 2 beautiful girls walking into a neighborhood that I wouldn't suggest for a walk.Then, as they walked by me they said something in a quiet and calm whisper. They confessed to me that I seemed like a cool guy and they would pick me up at 6 o'clock tomorrow but they chose where we go. It was the next day, so I was getting ready for the date and I dressed up the best I could and I tried to do it very calmly. They picked me up but they were surprised and had their jaws right open with creepy expressions that I did not understand at the moment. They stood there for a while, so I was getting frightened or scared. I asked them " What's up?" The girls looked at me with a look that looked like " You don't know?!!"Then I noticed what they were looking at: as the girl with her red hair tied back held a hand mirror to my eyes, I could clearly see a spot of blood on my chest.When I looked at my gorgeous 6 packed chest, I saw that there was a knife stuck in my chest. The girls called the ambulance and I was taken to the hospital. I luckily survived and soon got out. When I got back home, I spent some time with my red haired girlfriend. We went to the movies and got something to eat. I was glad I was alive.
THE END.

14 comments:

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  4. Then, as they walked by me the said something to me.

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  5. They said I was a good guy and would pick me up at 6 o'clock tomorrow.

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  7. They came to our house with laughing

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  8. The 2 girls looked stangely at me.

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  9. Then I noticed what they were looking at: as the girl with her red hair tied back held a hand mirror to my eyes, I could clearly see a spot of blood on my chest.

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  10. When I looked at my gorgeous 6 packed chest, I have seen that there was a knife stuck on my chest. The girls called the cops and I got arrested for sticking a knife in a chest. I begged the cops to let me out, and they did. So I went out of the jail place and called my ex-wife to come pick me up. The ex-wife wasn't actually my wife. So I went home and played with my ex-wife.
    THE END.

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  11. Well done, Miki. A couple comments. You had suspense, which is not easy to do in such a short space. It had flow and was visual--i.e., you used words that appeal to the senses. BTW, men (generally) do not refer to a "six-pack" they may have as "gorgeous." Think of a different word, please. Your ending could be better, to make it more like the earlier part which grips the reader. Mr. P

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  12. Why is there always a girl in your story. And you hahve HAMBURGER & dONUT not 6 pack!!!! + it's creepy

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